Thank you, thank you
thank you
I'd like to begin
I like to... thank you, thank you
I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong
Fuck him and his balls
and his bicycles and his steroids
and his yellow shirts
and the dumb empty expression on his face
I'm tired of that asshole
and while you're at it
fuck Tiger Woods too
there's another jackoff I can do without
I'm tired of being told who to admire in this country
aren't you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be
you know
Being told who you oughta be looking up to
I'll choose my own heroes thank you very much
and fuck Dr. Phil too
Dr. Phil said I should express my emotions
so that's what I'm doing
Now since the last time I rolled through these parts
and I do roll through with some frequency
I'm a little bit like herpes
I keep coming back
but since the last time I might have seen some of you folks
I have had my 70th birthday
thank you very much, thank you
thank you
Yeah, I'm now 70 years old
and I like 70
not as much as I like 69
Well, 69 was always my favorite number
not I figure I'm 69 with one finger up my ass
but now that I'm an old fuck
and that's what I consider myself to be
an old fuck
old fuck is a very special term
it's not like old man
old man is different
Old man isn't really a time in your life or a period of years
it's an attitude
old man is a point of view, it's a way of looking at things
some guys are old men when they're in their 20s
you've met guys like that
they're just wired like old men
not me
not an old man
and not an old fart
'cause an old fart is kinda
(grumbling like an old fart)
what I am is an old fuck
it's kind of like a fat fuck
You know what I mean
Fat fuck, tall fuck, skinny fuck, short fuck
Old fuck
who's the old fuck
that's Georgie
Georgie's the old fuck
in this respect
fuck is actually a synonym for the word "fellow"
but now that I'm an old fuck
I'm beginning to notice there are some advantages to putting on a few extra years
the first one is
you never have to carry anything heavy ever again
everybody wants to help an old fuck
if you got a big suitcase or something like that
you know you just kinda go like this a little bit
you say, "could you help me with this ?"
he says, "yeah, how far are you going ?"
" Indianapolis"
He wants to help?
fuck him, put him to work
take advantage of people
now, thing I see about getting old is
you can leave any social event early
just by saying you're tired
works great with family members
just turn to the person next to you and say,
"Geez, I'm getting tired, you know? "
Oh, you're tired ? Come on
Grandpa's tired, grandpa's going to bed
Someone else says, "but it's 7:30 in the morning"
there's always one asshole in the family
but the best thing about getting old is
you're not responsible for remembering things anymore
even important things
"But it was your daughter's funeral
"I forgot"
You can even make-believe you have Alzheimer's disease
That's alot of fun
you look around the dining room table
and you say, "who're you people and where's my horse?"
then you stare at your eldest son
and say, "Agnes, I haven't seen you since first communion"
fucks them up
they don't know how to handle it
takes them a week to get over that shit
and they start listening to you alot more carefully from then on
so don't be afraid to get old
it's a great time of life
you get to take advantage of people
and you're not responsible for anything
you can even shit in your pants
they expect it
I haven't tried that yet
but I don't rule it out
I'm keeping my options open
everything is on the table
perhaps that's not the figure of speech I wanted right there
so you know what I've been doing
going through my address book and crossing out the dead people
you do that ? that's alot of fun, isn't it?
gives you a good feeling
kind of gives you a feeling of power
the superiority to have outlasted another old friend
but you can't do it too soon you know?
you can't do it too soon
you can't come running out from the funeral and get the book out you know?
you can't do that
a little time has to pass
you have to let a little time go by
I have a rule of thumb: six weeks
if you're a friend of mine and you're in my book and you die
I leave you along for an extra six weeks
six extra weeks in the book on the house it's on me
but after that, hey! facts are facts ,fuck you, you're dead
pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
out you fucking go!
you gotta have standards you know?
now these days alot of people don't keep analog address books anymore
they don't want to be writing that stuff out longhand
they're in the computer age
and they have an application in the computer called outlook
contacts or address book something like that
so they keep all the information in the computer
and they sync it up with their phone every day or every other day
so now, instead of scratching out a name
you get to delete the fuck
and deleting someone is an even more powerful feeling
than simply scratching out a name
you know how to delete someone
you select the name
highlight the person
and then poufff
fwiishh straight into the trash
now if it's a really close friend of yours
you might not want to empty the trash for about six weeks
or or
if it's a little too harsh for you
a little too harsh to delete an old friend
you can always create a new folder
a special folder for dead people
you keep it on your desktop
it's kind of a digital purgatory
and, and the nice thing
is that every now and then you can open it up and you can look inside
you can see the people in purgatory
and you can move them all around
you know, move them around
put them in little groups
two people who didn't get along in life
put them in the corner let them work it out
let them work it out in purgatory
or start a fight
have a big fight in purgatory
nobody's gonna get hurt
they're all fucking dead anyway
then you put them in a big formation and have a parade
the purgatory parade of dead people
ah, there's alot of fun you can have with a computer
so enjoy your digital selves
now speaking of dead people
there are things we say
when someone dies
most of us say
lot of us do
things we say that no one ever questions
they just kind of go unexamined
give you a couple of examples
uh, after someone dies
the following conversation is bound to take place
probably more than once
two guys meet on the street
"hey did you hear?"
"Phil Davies died"
"Phil Davies ?"
"I just saw him yesterday."
"Yeah?"
"Didn't help."
"He died anyways."
Apparently, the simple act of your seeing him did not slow his cancer down
in fact, it may have made it more aggressive
you know, you could be responsible for Phil's death
how do you live with yourself?
here's another thing they say after a death
this is usually said
to the surviving spouse
listen, if there's anything I could do
anything at all
please don't hesitate to ask
What are you gonna do, a resurrection ?
this ain't the fucking New Testament you know
you know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help
well fine, why don't you come over this week
and you can paint the garage
bring your plunger
the upstairs toilet overflowed
and there's shit all over the floor up there
you drive a tractor ?
good, that'll come in handy
the north 40 needs alot of attention
bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe
we're gonna put your ass to work
he wants to help?
fuck him, call his bluff
call his bluff
don't hesitate to ask
the nerve of these pricks
here's another thing we say to the surviving spouse
I'm keeping him in my thoughts
Where?
Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit
in between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress" ?
What are your priorities?
We use alot of euphemisms when we talk about death, you know?
people say things like
"you know I lost my father"
ahh, he'll turn up
you got to stay optimistic with people like that
give them reason to hope
"Have you checked the dumpster out back?"
"he used to like to take a nap in there"
keep it upbeat
now
there's something else that is said
after a death
but this one involves
belief
which is where I begin to have
big problems
this one happens after the funeral
or after the burial back at the house
back at the house
where the family and friends and the loved ones of the deceased are having some food and drinks
and they're enjoying some warm reminiscences of the person who passed away
sooner or later, someone is bound to say the following
especially after a few drinks
"you know,"
"I think he's up there now"
"smiling down at us"
"and I think he's pleased"
now
first of all
there is no...
up there!
for people to be smiling
down from
it's poetic
it's quaint
and I guess for superstitious people it provides a little comfort
but it doesn't exist
but if it did, if it did
and if someone did survive death in a nonphysical form
I personally think he'd be far too busy with other celestial activities
then to be standing around paradise
smiling down
on live people
what kind of a fucking eternity is that?
and why is it no one ever says
"I think he's down there now"
"smiling up at us"
apparently it never occurs to people
that their loved ones might be in hell
your parents could be in hell right now
your parents and your father for sure
oh shit! hell is full of dads
full of dads
even the ones who took you to the ball game
just for beating the shit out of you once too often
and fucking the neighbor lady
and fucking the neighbor dog
and who knows, maybe even fucking the UPS man
we'll never know what mischief dad was up to
parents in heaven
parents in hell, excuse me
kind of gives me a nice feeling, you know
grandparents in hell
picture that
picture your grandmother in hell
baking pies
without an oven
and if someone were in hell
I doubt very seriously
he'd be smiling
"I think he's down there now"
"screaming up at us"
"and I think he's in severe pain"
people just refuse to be realistic
they don't like to be realistic
people would rather stroke themselves
you know, oh they like to stroke themselves don't they?
they stroke themselves, they stroke each other, they get stroked
they stroke the boss, the boss strokes them
eveybody strokes everybody
it's nothing but a big stroke job in this country
the government strokes you everyday of your life
religion never stops stroking you
big businesses give you a big stroke
and it's one big transcontinental
cross-country, red,white, and blue stroke job
do you know
yeah
you know what the national emblem of this country ought to be
forget the bald eagle
the national emblem of this country
ought to be uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting
and seated on a chair next to him
the Statue of Liberty jerking him off
that would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America
it's all bullshit folks
it's all bullshit and it's bad for ya!
now
speaking of dead people in heaven
there are some people
who not only believe
that their dead parents in heaven
can see them
okay
they honestly believe
that their dead parents in heaven
can help them
you've heard these people, I'm sure
they honestly somehow believe that their dead parents in heaven can intercede with God on their behalf
to gain favors for the living
I come from a Catholic home
I heard this shit
they sit there in the chair with the fucking rosary
and they look at you like this you know and they say
"my dad, my dad was looking out for me"
" he was looking out I don't know how he got me out of that jam but he got me out"
"oh, my mom"
"my mom was in surgery with me she was in - I could feel her presence in the-"
yea, yea, yea , yea , yea
fiiine
like the people who die having nothing better to do than to run the heavenly branch of the Make A Wish foundation
now
if people want to believe this kind of stuff
it's fine with me
let them believe it
I don't I don't I don't wanna disabuse anyone of their beliefs but!
I have a question about this
a question that involves
logic
let's suppose it's true
let's allow the proposition that somehow
dead parents in heaven can help their living children
fine so
we got a family living on Earth
father and mother and 4 kids
it's a family of six
good family, nice family
doing all the right things, having a good time, making all the right moves
and the parents go away
on a weekend trip and get killed in an accident
and the children of course survive
so now, according to this theory
these two people go to heaven
and they start helping their four living children
helping them with whatever they need
helping them with their science projects, with their SAT scores
helping them get a good school
and get a nice job and get a promotion and a raise
and someone to marry and they all grow up
these 4 kids now grow up and have children of their own
and let's say
that all 4 of these now grown children
also die at the same time
just for the sake of argument
let's say there's an explosion at Thanksgiving dinner
and these 4 die but their children survive
because they were seated
at the children's table
so
so now according to the theory
these 4 go to heaven and start helping their living children
but what happens to the original two
what happens to the grandparents do they just go off-duty now?
What do they do?
are there some activities, is there a retirement program up there?
are there some activities for these people
shuffleboard, pinball, online poker?
there must be something they can do
or they have to remain on-duty indefinitely
do they have to keep on helping their living descendants forever and ever and ever
is that what heaven is all about, helping the living?
when do you get to just lie back on a cloud and take a fucking harp lesson, you know what I mean?
because
because people have been dying
people have been dying for a long long time
there's been alot of dead motherfuckers, do you know that?
yes, you knew there are alot of dead motherfuckers
we've had a hundred billion people live on this Earth
that's what the experts say
a hundred billion people have lived here
so let's say half of them died and went to heaven
that's 50 billion people up there
that's a pretty crowded place
it must get pretty busy and pretty hectic up there
and God must get pretty pissed off
with all these favors
"Yeah, yeah, I know, spelling test, Tuesday, get the fuck out of here, would you please ?"
you know
even God can go on sensory overload
that's why he wanted one day off a week
Christians gave him Sunday
Jews gave him Saturday
Muslims gave him Friday
God has a 3-day weekend
which is probably just what he needs
now, just a couple other questions about this whole theory
suppose you die
without having any children
who do you help?
strangers
it would be nice
suppose you're an adopted child
who helps you?
your biological mother?
she doesn't even know where the fuck you live
suppose you kill your parents
would they help you?
I'll guarantee you Mr. and Mrs. Menendez are not helping those two boys
no, no
yeah, it's all bullshit folks and it's bad for ya!
it's all bullshit
that's what you have to remember as you go through life in this country
it's all bullshit
and it's bad for ya
now
speaking of parents and speaking of bullshit
two ideas which aren't always mutually exclusive by the way
I'd like to mention a special kind of bullshit
that has taken hold in this country
in the last 30 to 40 years
it's a form of bullshit
that really only can be called
child worship
it's child worship
it's the excessive
devotion
to children
I'm talking about today's professional parents
these these obsessive
diaper sniffers
who are over-scheduling and over-managing their children
and robbing them of their childhoods
even the simple act of playing
has been taken away from children
and put on mommy schedule
in the form of playdates
something that should be spontaneous and free
is now being rigidly planned
when does a kid ever get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore?
you know, just sit there with a fucking stick
do today's kids even know what a stick is?
you know?
you sit in the yard with a fucking stick
and you dig a fucking hole
you know
yeah
and you look at the hole
and you look at the stick
and you have a little fun
but kids don't have sticks anymore
I don't think there are any sticks left
I think they've all been recalled because of lead paint
who would've thought that one day the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?
but you know something,
the kid shouldn't be wasting his time with a stick anyway
if he's 4 years old he should be home
studying for his kindergarten entrance exams
you know about that shit? oh, they have them now, yea, yea
there are places that have kindergarten entrance exams
the poor little fuck
the poor little fuck, he can barely locate his dick
you know, and
and already he's being pressured to succeed
pressured to succeed for the sake of the parents
isn't this really just the sophisticated form of child abuse
and speaking of that, speaking of child abuse
speaking of child abuse
next stop... grade school
grade school where he won't be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization
and he won't be allowed to play dodgeball
because it's exclusionary
and it promotes aggression
standing around is still okay
standing around is still permitted
but it won't be for long
because sooner or later, some kid is gonna be standing around
and his foot will fall asleep and his parents will sue the school
and it will be goodbye fucking standing around
yeah
now fortunately, all is not lost
all is not lost because at least we know
that when he does get to play
whatever games he is allowed to play
the child will never lose
we know he'll never lose because in today's America
no child ever loses
there are no losers anymore
everyone's a winner
no matter what the game or sport or competition
everybody wins
everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy
no one is a loser
no child these days ever gets to hear those all-important, character-building words
"You lost, Bobbie"
"You lost, you're a loser, Bobbie"
they miss out on that
you know what they tell a kid who lost these days?
" You were the last winner"
alot of these kids never get to hear the truths about themselves until they're in their 20s
when their boss calls them in and says
"Bobbie, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser"
get the fuck out of here
you know
of course, Bobbie's parents can't understand why he can't hold a job
in school, he was always on the honor roll
well, what they don't understand of course
is that in today's schools
everyone is on the honor roll
everyone is on the honor roll because in order to be on the honor roll
all you really need to do is to maintain a body temperature somewhere roughly in the 90s
but we shouldn't be worrying about how he's doing in school because you something
come summer time, he'll be off to camp
yes, he'll be off to camp
but not to swim and hike and play softball, no no no no no no no
today's child will be sent away to lose weight
he'll be sent to fat camp
or violin camp
or ceramics camp
or computer camp
or leadership camp whatever the fuck that is
leadership camp, isn't that where Hitler went?
you know, oh
specialized, structured summer camps
got to keep the little fucker busy, don't they?
got to keep the little fucker busy
wouldn't want him to sneak in a little unstructured time in the woods
that wouldn't be any good
God knows he might start jacking off
now all of this stupid bullshit that children have been crippled by
has grown out of something called the self-esteem movement
The self-esteem movement began in the 1970s
and I'm happy to say it has been a complete failure
because
studies have repeatedly shown
that having high self-esteem does not improve grades
does not improve career achievment
it does not even lower the use of alcohol
and most certainly does not reduce the incidence of violence of any sort
because as it turns out
extremely aggressive violent people think extremely highly of themselves
imagine that, sociopaths have high self-esteem
who would've thought, huh?
I love when this kind of thing happens
I love when these politically correct ideas crash and burn and wind up in the shit-house
here's another one that bit the dust
this practice of playing Mozart during pregnancy
so the fetus can hear it
it was supposed to increase intelligence
didn't work
all it did was sell alot of CDs
and piss off a whole lot of fetuses
the self-esteem movement revolved around a single notion
the idea, the single idea
that every child is special
boy, they said it over and over and over
as if to convince themselves
every child is special
and i kept saying
"fuuuuck you!"
every child is clearly
not special
did you ever look at one of them?
did you ever take a good close look at one of these fucking kids?
they're goofy
they're fucking goofy looking
they're too small, they're way too fucking small
they're mal-apportioned, their heads don't fit their bodies
their arms are too weird
remember, they can't walk across the room in a straight line
and when they talk, they talk like they've got a mouth full of shit
they're incomplete
incomplete, unfinished work
I never give credit
for incomplete work
now, P.J.Barnum might think they're special
but not me, I have standards
but let's say it's true, let's grant this, I'm in a generous mood
let's grant this proposition
let's say it's true that somehow
all, every child is special
what about every adult?
isn't every adult special too?
and if not
if not, then at what age do you go
from being special
to being not so special?
and if every adult is special
then that means we're all special
and the whole idea loses all its fucking meaning
here's another platitude they jammed down your throat
children are our future
children are not our future
and I can prove it with my usual flawless logic
children can't be our future
because by the time the future arrives
they won't be children anymore so blow me!
as you may have noticed
I always like to present a carefully reasoned argument
raising a child is not difficult
they try to make it into this mysterious
difficult task
nothing to it
easiest thing in the world to raise a kid
if you follow the steps
first step
you take the kid and you put him out on a street corner
and you leave him there
you come back a week later
if the kid is still there
you got yourself a stupid fucking kid
then you just proceed from that point
it's all bullshit folks
it's all bullshit and it's bad for ya!
now
you wouldn't know it
for some of the things I said over the years
but I like people
I do
I like people
but I like them in short bursts
I don't like people for extended periods of time
I'm alright with them for a little while
but once you get past around
minute, minute and a half
I got to get the fuck out of there
and my reason for this
my reason is for one that you may share possibly
I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit
that's all, stupid bullshit
and everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit
and alot of them don't know when to stop talking
you ever run into that guy?
doesn't know when to stop talking
just continues running at the mouth like verbal diarrhea
don't know when the conversation is over
stupid, trivial shit you don't care anything about
things you're not even remotely interested in
"Did I tell you about my mom and dad?"
"Well, my mom and dad went on vacation down in Mammoth Cave, Kentucky"
"This is about"
"Six years ago, I think"
"Seems like it was six, about six, six years ago"
"six or seven, possibly seven, could be"
yeah
"Somewhere in there, six, seven, more than six, less than seven"
"let's call it six and a half"
"So my mom and dad went on vacation in Mammoth Cave, Kentucky"
"and my dad found a big rock"
"what he thought was a big rock"
"turns out it was a dinosaur turd"
"A petrified, dinosaur turd, 27 pounder"
"you know, now that I think of it"
"it might have been 8 years ago"
"That would have been close to Y2K, wouldn't it?"
"Remember Y2K?"
"Whatever happened?"
"Everybody's all worried about that, nothing ever happened"
"HAHAHAHA, big fuss"
"Nothing ever happened"
"you know, God, that's strange, you know?"
"so let's say, we'll say it's 8 years, 8 years, 8? it was either 8 or 5"
"So my dad gives my mom this big turd"
"and he says: here mom, it's a big dinosaur turd, put it in your purse to take that home"
"my mom said: dad, I don't think it's a dinosaur turd this thing's still warm"
"Whoever dropped this thing is still walking around in here"
"and we better get the fuck out of this cave"
"Nine years ago, nine"
"I know it was nine"
"because my wife was pregnant with our first boy, Makhmoudi ben Al Said ben Salam"
"and he's ten now"
"or is he, he's 11, maybe he's 11"
"he's either 11 or 5"
and while all of this is going on
you're searching in your mind for something diplomatic and tactful and graceful that you can say
to help end the conversation
and all I can ever come up with is "blow it out your ass!"
"Blow it out your ass!"
you know
but you can't say that
you-good manners don't permit it
you have to find another way
and I go to
body language
I tried to use my body language to show that the conversation is over
I find myself leaning at a 45 degree angle
trying to indicate the direction I'd like to go
if this person would just shut the fuck up
and I might even give him a verbal cue "Surgery!"
"Surgery, I'm late for surgery!"
I'm having my ears sown shut
you know
yeah
same people on the phone
don't know when to hang up, don't know when the conversation's over
dumb, trivial shit
dumb questions
"So what are you guys gonna do five summers from now?"
"We haven't made any plans"
"Marge wants to go to the beach, the kids kind of like it at the lake, and I want to go to the mountains"
"Grandma wants to visit her sister in Frogballs, Arkansas"
"How about you, you made any plans?"
"It's never too early to make plans"
"We're going to Norway in 2025"
"Did you know that up to the 1950s, Norway's economy was based largely on fishing?"
"but now, thanks to the expansion of the world's economy and the increased improved drilling technique"
and once again, you're searching in your mind for the right thing to say to help end the conversation
"Shut the fuck up" comes to mind
uh, or blow it out your- how about "shut your fucking piehole" might be good
or if he prefers cake "shut your fucking cakehole"
but these things you don't wanna
you can't say those things and you can't use body language on the phone
well, you can always amuse yourself, you know
or if it's your mother
you show your mother respect, you put her on speaker phone
but that doesn't move the conversation along
you have to find another trick
and I go to tone of voice
did you ever use your tone of voice to try to talk them into a soft landing?
you try to coax the person towards the end
"Right, good, okay, good"
"alright then, good, great, okay, good, okay, thank you"
"yeah, alright"
oh fuck there he goes again
"Remember my neighbor with the burns on 90% of her body?"
"Well, she burned the other 10% now"
"she was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire"
"listen, listen, Reverend?"
"Rev, Reverend, Reverend, I hate to be rude but
"I just took a three and a half hour shit"
"and I'm bleeding from the asshole"
"well, I don't have any Mercurochrome"
"Yes, yeah, I'll put a Snoopie band-aid on it"
"Yeah, thank you, you do that for me,yeah, say a prayer for my asshole, thank you very much"
you have to resort to these tactics because many people do not understand
what a phone call should be
or what a phone call is
ideally, a phone call is
the brief exchange of a few vital pieces of information
this is a phone call
"Hey Steve, what time does the circle jerk start tonight?"
"Ten o'clock, okay, listen, I'm gonna be a little bit late, you're gonna have to start without me"
"Oh, don't worry, I'll catch up, I'm meeting a whole bunch boys and watching a horny movie"
"Uh, it's called Tarzan Fucks a Zebra"
"Russell Crowe"
"Well, it's kind of a fantasy, right now Renee Zelweiger is blowing off a unicorn"
that's a phone call
it should not be a two and a half hour harangue of your third cousin describing her mailman's liposuction
God, people are fucking boring
people are just fucking boring
you know what would be great for a guy like me?
just to be in a coma
wouldn't that be great?
nothing to do all day
you just crap out and breathe through a fucking tube
they feed you through a tube there's nothing to do
boy, you talking about being a couch potato that's it man!
no phone calls coming in
nobody dropping by unexpectedly
and if they do drop by, you're completely unaware of it!
'cause you're in a fucking coma
and you're practically clinically dead
and you don't have to listen to their stupid shit
their stupid shit like about
their new ride around lawn mower
with a two toned horn and a GPS in case they get lost on the lawn
and their boss and their job and their car and their kids
Jesus fucking Christ
their kids
folks, folks, nothing worse
nothing worse
than to be stuck somewhere with some married asshole
and have to listen to him tell you about his fucking kids
let me tell you something folks
nobody cares about your children, okay?
you're welcome, you're welcome
nobody cares about your children, I speak for everyone
I've been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don't care about your children
that's why they're your children
so you can care about them and we don't have to bother
but they tell you anyway
Todd is in the seventh grade now
he's in the cheese club
Giselle is five
and already she's had nine periods
Yohan is eleven
and he pretty much sits around the house hallucinating all the time
then they want to show you the pictures
here's another ordeal
the pictures
of these little gargoyles
that they have loosed
from their loins
Alot of these professional mommies
boy, they think there's nothing better than having a baby
oh, they think it's the biggest thing in the world
like it's a big event, having a baby
I call it pumping out a unit
that's that's all they're doing
that's all their doing, pumping out a fucking unit
some of them like assembly lines, like a factory
every fucking year
hey Jeff, want a kid?
how about twins?
polluting the Earth
polluting the Earth with these creatures
who have no future
they have no future
have you pictured what this planet is gonna be like in 40 to 50 years?
it's gonna be a big smoking ball of shit
a big, smoking, flaming, stinking ball of gaseous shit
that's what's gonna happen
it's irresponsible to have more than one child
have one
have one child, replacement value for yourself that's all
don't even replace your husband
don't replace your husband
he's done enough fucking damage as it is
but they want to show you the pictures
sometimes they warn you, you know, that's good, they say
"hey, want to see some pictures of my kids?", "No!"
just describe them to me
but they show you and, uh,
there are two ways you can handle them
I have found two ways to handle the pictures
the first is the easy way
you just kind of take it all in stride
matter-of-factly, go along with the game
"Uh-huh, boy,hmm"
"Girl, yeah"
"Older boy"
"Older girl, good, four"
"Listen, I have to go wash my crotch, I'll see you later"
and you get the fuck out of there
or you can do what I do
you can do what I do
be a little honest about what you see
take your chance
tell the truth
look at the fucking head on that kid
Jesus, where did he get a fucking head like that, holy shit
that thing is huge!
have you put him on youtube yet?
boy, you'll get alot of hits with a head like that
or put him on ebay, you might make a little money, you know
I'm sure some European circus would snap his ass up in a fucking minute, boy
Goddamn, that thing is unusual
listen, maybe he'll grow into it, you never know with kids
hey, let me ask you a practical question
where do you find hats for a kid like that?
tell the truth, don't be bullshitting people
don't be bullshitting, there's enough bullshitting as it is, folks
there's plenty of bullshit
then they want to show you the pictures of the little girl
whose second teeth are coming in
and they think it's cute
it's not
it's fucking horrifying
did you ever take- did you ever look at the teeth on some of these kids
did you ever take a good, close look in the mouth
did you ever look in there, see what's going on
sometimes several rows of fucking teeth coming in
coming in at all funny angles
there's one under the tooth, that's one under the tooth
tongue, that's an unusual place for a tooth
a sublingual tooth, my God! look at that
once again, tell the truth
you better start saving your money right now, pal
this is gonna cost you a fucking fortune to fix that
you're gonna need an international team of orthodontists around the clock
just to make it better you might want to call FEMA that looks like a real fucking problem
you have the number of the National Guard, give them a ring
listen, why don't you just have them all pulled and let her start over again, you know?
or take a picture of her with her mouth closed
that would save you alot of heartache in the long run
listen, you're not Catholic by any chance, are you?
well, the reason I ask you is that you might want to take her to Lourdes and pray for a miracle over there
tell the truth, don't be bullshitting people
like I said, there's enough bullshit as it is
there's enough bullshit as it is
in fact, there's just enough, did you know that?
there's just enough bullshit
to hold things together in this country
bullshit is the glue
that binds us as a nation
where would we be
without our safe
familiar
American bullshit
land of the free, home of the brave, the American dream
all men are equal, justice is blind, the press is free
your vote counts
business is honest, the good guy wins
the police are on your side
God is watching you
your standard of living will never decline
and everything is gonna be just fine
the official, national bullshit story
I call it the American okey-doke
Every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another
but we believe them because they're pounded into our heads from the time we're children
that's what they do with that kind of stuff
they put it in the heads of kids, they pound it in there
because kids, they know kids are too young
to be able to mount a sophisticated argument against these kinds of ideas
and so, kids, and up to a certain age, by the way
kids are gonna believe everything a grownup tells them, everything
so kids never learn to question things
nobody questions things in this country anymore
nobody questions things
why? people are too fat and happy
people are way too fucking prosperous for their own good
everyone's got a cellphone that'll make pancakes and rub their balls now, you know
so,
nobody wants
nobody wants to rock the boat
and people, people just
gizmos, Americans have been silenced
bought off and silenced by gizmos and toys
and as a result, no one's ever learned to question things
no one questions things in this country anymore, no one questions things
you remember Barbara Bush
I call her the silver douchebag, remember her?
Barbara Bush, she is the mother of governor George Bush
I call him governor Bush because that's the only elected office he held legally in our country, okay?
I don't care where they hang his portrait
I don't care how big his library is
he'll always be Governor Bush
I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore
so she's the mother of governor George Bush
she's also the wife of his father George H. W Bush
who did become president in the normal, legal, traditional manner
and when he did she came along for the ride as first lady
and that's been the tradition up till now
a man has been elected and the woman comes along for the ride as first lady
and usually as in American life in general
the woman is condescended to
patronized, given something to do to keep her busy
alot of times you give her a charity or a cause, something she can champion
Betty Ford was told to drink, remember that?
yeah, yeah, that was, that was Betty Ford's assignment
Betty, you get drunk, you get totally fall-down, fucked up, shit-faced drunk, okay?
you just get fucked up drunk
I will hose you down baby, we'll hose you down
we'll put you in the facility, you get sober
and then we'll put your name on the facility
Lisa Minelli can get sober and everything's gonna be okay, right?
that was her assignment
Barbra Bush's assignment was
getting children to read
remember that? getting children to read
they figured that she had so much success with George
that she would be a natural to get children to read
which misses the point completely
not important to get children to read
children who want to read are gonna read
kids that want to learn to read are gonna learn to read
much more important to teach children to question what they read
children should be taught to question everything
question everything they read, everything they hear
children should be taught to question authority
parents never teach their children to question authority because
parents are authority figures themselves and they don't want to undermine their own bullshit inside the household
so they stroke the kid and the kid strokes them
and they all stroke each other
and they all grow up all fucked up and they come to shows like this
kids have to be warned that there's bullshit coming down the road
that's the biggest thing you can do for a kid
tell him what life in this country is about
it's about a whole lot of bullshit
that needs to be detected and avoided
that's the best thing you can do
no one ever told me
no one told me a thing like that
I was never warned about any of this, had to find all that out for myself
and there are still, as with you probably
alot of things that you're expected to believe and accept in America
that I personally have a problem with
and I question alot of these things
to give you an example
I saw a slogan on a guy's car that said
Proud to be an American
and I thought,"well what the fuck does that mean?"
Proud to be an American, you see
I've never understood national pride
I've never understood ethnic pride
because I'm Irish and all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland so I'm fully Irish
and when I was a kid, I would go to the Saint Patrick's day parade
and I noticed that they sold a button that said
Proud to be Irish
and I could never understand that because I knew
that on Columbus day, they sold a different button
that said Proud to be Italian
then came Black pride and Puerto Rican pride
and I could never understand ethnic or national pride
because to me
pride should be reserved for something you achieved
or attained on your own
not something that happens by accident of birth
being Irish
being Irish isn't a skill
it's a fucking genetic accident
you wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5/11
I'm proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer
then why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish
Proud to be Italian, or American, or anything
hey, if you're happy with it , then that's fine
do that, put that on your car
happy to be an American
be happy, don't be proud
too much pride as it is
pride goeth before a fall
never forget proverbs, okay?
now, here's another slogan
here's another slogan you're running to all the time
God bless America
once again, respectfully, I say to myself, "what the fuck does that mean?"
God bless America? Is that a request?
Is that a demand? is that a suggestion?
politicians say it at the end of every speech
as if it were some sort of verbal tick
that they can't get rid of
God bless you and God bless America, God bless you and God bless America
I guess they figured if they leave it out
someone's gonna think they're bad Americans
let me tell you a little secret about God, folks
God does not give a flying fuck about America, okay? he doesn't care
he never cared about this country
he never has, he never will
he doesn't care about this country
anymore than he cares about Mongolia
Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal, or the North Pole
he simply doesn't care, okay? he doesn't care
Listen, hey
there are 200 countries in the world now
do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites?
why would he do that?
why would God have a favorite country?
and why would it be America, out of all the countries?
because we have the most money?
because he likes our national anthem?
maybe it's because he heard we have
eighteen delicious flavors of classic rice-a-ronni
it's delusional thinking, it's delusional thinking
and Americans are not alone with these sort of delusions
military cemetaries around the world are packed
with brainwashed, dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side
America prays for God to destroy our enemies
our enemies pray for God to destroy us
somebody's gonna be disappointed
somebody's wasting their fucking time
could it be...everyone?
now, now
if people want to say God loves America, that's their business, I don't care, but here's what I don't understand
if they say God bless America presumably
they believe in God
and if they do, they must have heard God loves everyone
that's what he said, he loves everyone and loves them equally
so why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings?
you know what God bless America people ought to do
they ought to check with that Jesus fellow they're so crazy about
they're always talking about what would Jesus do, what would Jesus do
they don't wanna know so they can do it
they just want to know so they can tell other people to do it
well, I'll tell you what Jesus would have done
I'll tell you what Jesus would have done
he would have got up to the top of the Empire States Building and said God bless everyone around the world for ever and ever until the end of time
that's what Jesus would have done
and that's what these people should do
or else they should admit that God Bless America is really just
some sort of an empty slogan
with no real meaning
except for something vague like good luck
good luck America, you're on your own
which is a little bit closer to the truth
here's a civic custom that I don't understand
maybe you can help me
taking off your hat when a flag passes by
or when some jackoff at the ballpark starts singing the national anthem
they tell you to take off your hat
what the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic
what possible relationship exists between the uncovered head
and a feeling that ought to live in your heart
suppose you have a red, white, and blue hat
suppose you have a hat made out of a flag
why would you take it off to honor the flag
wouldn't you leave it on?
and point it towards the flag
and what's so bad about hats that you have to take them off
why not take off your pants
or your shoes
they tell you that at the airport
they say,"take off your shoes"
they tell you it's for national security so taking off your shoes could be patriotic too
I started to question all this stupid hat shit when I was a kid
when I was a kid, I was a Catholic
at least until I reached the age of reason,okay?
so, I was a Catholic
I was a Catholic for about
two, two and a half years, something like that
and during that time, one of the things they told us was
that if a boy or a man went into a church
he had to remove his hat
in order to honor the presence of God
but, they'd already told me that
God was everywhere
so I just wonder
well if God was everywhere
why would you even own a hat?
why not show your respect? don't even buy a fucking hat
and just to confuse things further
they told the women exactly the opposite
Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads
when they went into church
same as in certain temples
Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples
in those same temples Jewish women are not allowed to cover their heads
so try to figure this shit out
Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats
Catholic, catholic women and Jewish men, hats
somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backwards, don't you think?
and what is this religious fascination with headgear?
every religion has got a different fucking hat
did you ever notice that?
the Hindus have a turban
the Sikhs have a tall, white turban
Jews have a Yamaka
Muslims have the kafiya
bishop has a pointy hat on one day and a round hat on another day
cardinal has a red hat, pope has a white
everybody's got a fucking hat
one group takes them off, the other group puts them on
personally, I would never want to be a member of any group
where you either have to wear a hat or you can't wear a hat
I think
I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only
hats optional
that's all you need to run a really good religion
here's another one of these civic customs
swearing on the Bible
you understand that shit?
they tell you to raise your right hand, place your left hand on the Bible
does this stuff really matter, which hand?
does God really give a fuck about details like this
suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand
would that count?
or would God say, "Sorry, wrong hand, try again"
and why
why does one hand have to be raised?
what is the magic in this gesture?
this seems like some sort of a primitive, voodoo mojo shtick
why not put your left hand on the Bible and let your right hand hang down by your side?
it's more natural or put it in your pocket
remember what your mother used to say," don't put your hands in your pocket"
does she know something we don't know?
is this hand shit really important?
now, let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop
suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down
or backward
or both
do you swear to tell the truth on an upside down, backward bible?
would that count?
suppose
the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing
suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible
in an American court
or Braille Bible and you're not blind
suppose
they hand you an upside down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing
at what point does all this stuff just break down and become just alot of stupid shit that somebody made up
they fucking made it up folks, it's make-believe
it's make-believe
now, alright, okay
let's leave the Bible aside, we'll get back to the science fiction reading later
the more important question is
what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place
why does swearing to God
mean you're gonna tell the truth?
wouldn't affect me
if they said to me, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
I'd say,"Yeah"
I'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that Bible, how's that?
swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything
kids, swearing to God is kids' stuff
remember when you were a kid?
if you told another kid something he didn't quite believe, he'd say, "Do you swear to God?"
I would always say," Yeah, I swear to God"
even if I was lying
why not? what's gonna happen if I lie?
nothing
nothing happens if you lie
unless you get caught and that's a whole different story
sometimes a kid would think he was being slick with me and he would say
"You swear on your mother's grave?"
I'd say,"Yeah, why not"
first of all, my mother was alive, she didn't even have a grave
second of all, even if she was dead
what's she gonna do? Rise from the grave and come haunt me?
come and haunt me?
all because I told a lie to an 8 year old?
get fucking real, will ya?
sometimes I would say, "I swear on my mother's tits"
kids are impressed with things like that
I mean, I didn't care about my mother's tits either
I didn't care if they fell off, fuck her
not my problem
they're your tits, ma, you keep an eye on them
swearing to God doesn't mean anything
swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything
you know why? Because Bible or no Bible
God or no God
if it suits their purposes
people are gonna lie in court
the police do it all the time
all the time
yes they do
it's part of their job, to protect, to serve
and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state's case
swearing on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line
and it's one more thing that holds us back as a species
here's one more item for you
the last in our civics book
rights
boy, everyone in this country is always running around yammering about their fucking rights
I have a right, you have no right, we have a right, they don't have a right
folks, I hate to spoil your fun but,
there's no such thing as rights, okay?
they are imaginary
we made them up
like the boogeyman
The Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio, Mother Goose , shit like that
rights are an idea, they're just imaginary
they're cute ideas
cute, but that's all, cute and fictional
but if you think you do have rights
let me ask you this
where do they come from?
people say, "well, they come from God, they're God given rights"
oh, fuck, here we go again
here we go again
the God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no arguments
they came from God
anything we can't describe
must have come from God
personally folks, I believe
that if your rights came from God
he would've given you the right to some food everyday
and he would've given you the right to a roof over your head
God would have been looking out for ya!
God would have been looking out for ya
you know that
he would have been worried about making sure you have a gun so that you get drunk on Sunday night and kill your girlfriend's parents
but let's say it's true, let's say God gave us these rights
why would he give us a certain number of rights?
the Bill of Rights in this country has 10 stipulations, okay?
ten rights
and apparently, God was doing sloppy work that week because
we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times
so God forgot a couple of things like
slavery
just fucking slipped his mind
but let's say
let's say God gave us the original ten
he gave the British 13
the British Bill of Rights has 13 stipulations
the Germans have 29
the Belgians have 25
the Swedish have only 6
and some people in the world have no rights at all
what kind of a fucking goddamn God given deal is that?
no rights at all?
why would God give different people in different countries different numbers of different rights?
boredom?
amusement?
bad arithmetic?
do we find out at long last after all that time that God is weak in math skills?
doesn't sound like divine planning to me
sounds more like human planning
sounds more like one group trying to control another group
in other words, business as usual
in America
now
if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for ya
next time you're at the computer
get on the internet
go to Wikipedia
when you get to Wikipedia
in the search field for Wikipedia
I want you to type in
Japanese Americans 1942
and you'll find out all about your precious fucking rights, okay?
alright
you know about it
in 1942, there were a hundred and ten thousand
Japanese American citizens in good standing, law abiding people
who were thrown into internment camps
simply because their parents were born
in the wrong country
that's all they did wrong, they had no right to a lawyer
no right to a fair trial
no right to a jury of their peers
no right to do process of any kind
the only right they had
right this way!
into the internment camps
just when these American citizens
needed their rights the most
their government
took them away
and rights aren't rights if someone can take them away
they're privileges
that's all we ever had in this country is a Bill of temporary
privileges that if you read the news even badly
you'd know that every year
the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter
you see how slimmer it is?
yeah
sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them
the government does not care about you or your children or your rights or your welfare or your safety
it simply doesn't give a fuck about you
it's interested in its own power, that's the only thing
keeping it and expanding it whenever possible
personally, when it comes to rights
I think one of two things is true
I think either we have unlimited rights
or we have no rights at all
personally, I lean towards unlimited rights
I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please
but, if I do something you don't like
I think you have the right to kill me
so where are you gonna find a fairer fucking deal than that?
so the next time some asshole says to you," I have a right to my opinion"
you say,"oh yeah? well, I have a right to my opinion and my opinion is that you have no right to your opinion"
then shoot the fuck and walk away
thank you